I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
