she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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