why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
