No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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