I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
