The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
