you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
