Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
a search helicopter?!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
