You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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