I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
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Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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