Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
