my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
