I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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