the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
