did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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