You're a womanizer and a bitch.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
