Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
