Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
