I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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