My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
