And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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