he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
