i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
