i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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