textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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