By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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