I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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