she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
