The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
