the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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