i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
