I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
