Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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