The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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