u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
