i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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