life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
