I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
