a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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