If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
