I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
