I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
there's paper in my vomit.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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