I'm pants shitting drunk right now
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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