my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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