K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
