I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
