Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
