I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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