This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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