I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
