Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
