Already got asked if we're dating
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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