Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
