Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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