I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
