my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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