btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
